Consistently Inconsistent

 *Big plans to blog regularly* (BAM) Life enters and derails all plans for productivity. 

I’m really not much better off than I was at my last post. I did my gradual return to work fairly successfully, but not without a few bumps and bad brain days. And that’s okay. I was able to be open and honest with my boss when I was really struggling and we made things work out for the best of everyone. It was really good to be back to some semblance of routine, seeing faces I missed and catching up with the girls at coffee breaks. It was also nice to be getting full pay checks again! And then, March hit. Weather wise it came in like a lamb, mentally it came in like soggy wide-legged jeans of the early 2000’s. I found an app to track my moods, and there has definitely been a marked downward spiral. I have no explanation of why or what caused it. I’m learning with bipolar that sometimes there isn’t even a “why”, and am trying to learn to accept that. 

The days have gotten increasingly more difficult to manage. The nightmares, flashbacks, concentration issues, hallucinations, and disruptive sleep have all returned. My thoughts are racing, I’m obsessed with planning things for my garden & landscaping, I have been isolating myself (even more than the pandemic is asking me to do already), and I can’t get through one task without at least 5 random thoughts knocking around my brain for attention. Like even during this short entry, so many distractions. 

I’ve missed a few days of work this month due to anxiety or depression. Last week I had to be written off due to an extreme anxiety attack during work. The doctor gave me some added medication and Ativan to hold me over until I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. They’ve been helping a little bit, but yesterday was one of the hardest I’ve had since December. I considered going to the emergency room, but didn’t know what course of treatment they could give me, or even what I needed. So, I stayed home and let my friend know how I was feeling and kept open communication throughout the day. And got so many snuggles with Charlie!

I’m really looking forward to seeing my psychiatrist in person tomorrow. We’ve managed to just do phone visits because of COVID, but he has suggested an in person visit a few times. I’m not sure what the outcome will be, but I’m thinking it might include a medication dose increase. I also started talk therapy again this week, and am scheduled for follow up next week. I think this will help a little to have an unbiased person to talk to that isn’t trying to “fix” me, but who is teaching me tools to deal with my struggles.

I’m also taking my physical health a little more seriously. I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been, and definitely don’t have any excuse to not fix that. I started walking at the park, but got horrible shin splints. I was able to manage those with buying new running shoes, unfortunately I haven’t had the energy to go for many walks since getting the shoes. I also got a decently inexpensive smart watch to help track my steps, heart rate and sleep patterns. So far I’ve learned I don’t move enough during the day, and wake up way too much during the night. It takes me 2-4 hours to fall asleep, and then I toss & turn for roughly 4 hours. Not ideal for being fresh and ready for the day ahead. Basically, I’m fat, tired and sore. 

Bet you thought this was going to be super motivational and uplifting. Nope. This is my reality. And right now its hard and exhausting. But maybe in the next few days it will get easier and I’ll be magically refreshed. Who knows? All I can do is my best and hope that’s enough for the day.