Back to Work, Back to “Reality”

 My medical time off is coming to an end. November 27-Jan 30th. I can’t believe I was actually off for two full months! It definitely didn’t feel that long, but also at times felt like I was never going to “get better”. The first few weeks, before I knew how long I’d be off, or if I would qualify for short term disability (terrifying for my finances!) I put so much pressure on myself. Pressure to “snap out of it”, find the root cause, or keep up appearances on social media. Stupid stigma. Seriously, I was in a mental state where none of that mattered. What mattered most was rest, allowing myself to heal, and to come to terms with another mental health diagnosis. One that is still fairly taboo to talk about in society, leaving me feeling (more) tarnished and broken. Obviously I know these feelings are not valid, but they took up residence in my mind for longer than I would have liked.

Thankfully, I have some absolutely life-saving friends to talk me through dark thoughts and feelings of despair. The most effective advice I received was that my brain needed time to recover from the mixed episode that had been going on for two-three weeks. To regulate and balance all the chemicals, to actually sleep through the night without flashbacks or nightmares, to find my appetite again, and focus on small projects instead of juggling seven different tasks at a time. I don’t think we give our brains enough credit, or enough grace for all that it has to regulate. Blood flow, breathing, bladder control when you laugh (seriously), organized thoughts, emotions, being aware of imminent dangers like that glossy patch of ice under a fresh snowfall, and all those 90’s jingles that pop up in the most random times “Juicy fruit is gonna move ya”. 

Once I allowed myself to rest, really rest, not “five minutes and then I’ll tackle xyz, but just to absolutely do nothing other than stay hydrated and regular bathroom breaks. Then I was able to think a little more clearly. Oh, did I forget to mention that while I was off for my mental health, I also had minor surgery? So not only was my brain being refreshed, I was also trying to gently heal a very tender area. I do love to multitask. One night I picked up my paints and a canvas and just let the colours flow. I had no idea what the outcome would be, or even really any painting techniques. But it was the first time since being off that my mind was able to concentrate on a task for more than 10 minutes. I’ve been painting any time my mind needs to get something out that doesn’t require any words. 

So, back to work is coming up quickly. My first day back is February 3rd. I’ll be doing 3 days a week for 2 weeks, then 4 for 2 weeks, then full time. I’m nervous. I’m wondering how I’m going to wake up on time and not have a nap mid-afternoon. I’m worried about being overstimulated and overwhelmed by being around so many people. Seriously, I’ve got the hermit thing down, socializing again is going to be interesting. Also, having to wear a bra and pants every day? Rude. I literally bought the most comfortable full-length night gown just so I wouldn’t have to wear pants while lounging at home. Comfort is high on my priority list. Another silly worry is remembering all my passwords! I’m sure I’ll have to reset a bunch just because my work account has been inactive for so long. Not a big deal or even something to worry about. But, that’s what my brain is focusing on, little jerk!

I do miss my coworkers and the routine. I even miss importing(?!) and scanning! I’m really looking forward to getting moving again, as I mostly sat on the couch and have definitely gained some Christmas, New Years, President’s Day and whatever other holiday weight. Thank goodness for elastic waist scrubs! So, I’m both nervous and anticipating a healthy return to work. I think that’s normal and to be expected. Wish me luck, send coffee, and remember to take care of your brain!